The Psalm that Sustained Me

With another surgery looming over my head, I was feeling anxious, alone and unsure.  We had returned from Georgia a few weeks ago and I had been working through Vicki's therapy program to stabilize my joints as a last ditch effort, which I knew in my gut was not working.  I had had a phone conference with Vicki, my therapist, the night before to discuss my progress. She had asked me to keep a pain diary to track some things so that we could make decisions.. pain level, how often the joints came out, etc. Being an accountant, all I knew to do was put it in an excel spreadsheet, which she said she had never seen before and wanted a blank copy! She had studied this before our call.  I had fully expected her to say that I needed to continue working on the therapy for the full six to eight weeks and not to give up.  Instead, her first sentence was "Caroline, you know and I know that you are just highly unstable.  One of your options is to throw in the towel now and proceed with surgery to fixate your joints."  My heart began to race, I felt my face turn red, and my voice became faint and quivery.  She began to talk about the different surgery and implant options. I had so carefully prepared my progress and questions, and yet was so ill prepared for this conversation.

I didn't know the correct answer, which was frightening.  I knew that I probably needed the surgery, but what if they were wrong?  What if it was another failed attempt; I had already drug my family through so many failed procedures.  What if this didn't work for me?  Do I need a second opinion (or 23rd)?  How do I know who to trust, after all, I did find them on the internet? It was a quiet day; I had taken a leave of absence from work.  I turned to where I might find some answers.  I opened my Bible; admittedly a place that I had not turned in quite a while.  I prayed alot though and had prayed fervently that God would lead me and let me know without a doubt if I was not headed in the right direction.  My prayer was bold; I asked him to provide answers without delay! My family so desperately needs me to be able to walk and stand  - I pleaded with the Lord.  I wasn't sure what I wanted to read...or really where to start. So, I just opened it. I know Psalms is in the middle and all, but I also know that it was not a coincidence that this is where my Bible opened and I immediately read these verses:

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

Psalm 40:1-2

The New Living Translation says:

He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.

Tears began to stream. After all of these years, I felt my prayers were being answered and He was showing me that this was His plan, not mine. It was ok to proceed and His plan is perfect.  It was settled that day.

Update: Now I am two weeks post op, and I have been wanting to update my status for you but haven't felt like sitting long enough to type.  They asked me not to sit more than an hour at a time for the first couple of weeks.  So, if you are checking this, know that I am recovering very well! Dr. Weiss with assistance from Vicki Sims has fixated my pelvis and I am now in perfect alignment! Prayers have been answered and many symptoms have dissipated!  I went into surgery with abdominal pain at an 8/9 when I took off the tape, and it is completely gone.  That's right, gone! My back pain is nominal right now at rest. I still have a long way to go as far as healing and rebuilding muscles that are not functioning properly from years of dysfunction, but God has provided a firm foundation and is now steadying me as I walk along! Both sides were fixated,  and the left side was also fused with three beautiful titanium implants.  Since I required the fusion, I have to be partial non-weightbearing for a few more weeks so I am not able to test out walking and weightbearing.  I still get anxious and nervous, but when I remember the Psalm that God showed me, it sustains me.  Many of your prayers are being answered and I have no doubt that the power of your prayer helped.  I am so thankful for each and everyone of you who prayed for me.  A great big huge thank you to Pam Guernsey in our SS class... she has given so much of her already stretched time and energy to me and I am forever greatful.  I loved getting the messages on my phone that many were praying right before my surgery as I was in the holding area - I knew I was being covered in prayer and God was working. Thank you also to our sunday school class who were so generous before we left and for bringing meals - we will never forget!

I will provide more updates as I am able to sit for longer periods.